The day I found out I was pregnant it was a gorgeous Sunday morning in July. My husband was in Michigan with his three brothers, and I was selling my jewelry at Pitchfork Music Festival. The moment I got a positive on the pregnancy test was one of the most joyous moments of my life. I have endometriosis and I’ve had chronic infections most of my adult life, so I was always terrified that I would not be able to get pregnant. But there it was, those two lines that changed my life forever! I had a pretty easy pregnancy and enjoyed carrying and growing a life inside my belly. I knew from the moment I got pregnant that I wanted to have a natural birth, so I decided to educate myself as much as I could to help make this wish a reality. My husband David and I took 3 months of Bradly Method classes, I read about only positive natural birth stories (I loved Ina May’s guide to Natural Childbirth) we hired a monitrice, (like a doula only she is a RN and can check your cervix to see how dilated you are) and I had the luxury of already having an OB I love who is known as the “midwife doctor” and had natural childbirths with both her kids.
Towards the end of my pregnancy I was suffering from insomnia, and I was super uncomfortable and ready to meet our little girl. About one week before my due date, at around 10pm on Tuesday, March 22 I started having real contractions after about two weeks of Braxton Hicks. I got in the bathtub thinking they would go away, but they didn’t, so I started timing them. Sure enough they were five minutes apart. Part of me was relieved to finally know what a contraction felt like because so many people describe them in so many different ways. I felt like this was something I could handle for a while with deep breathing and concentration. I woke David who had just gone to bed and told him I thought I was in labor. He was so cute and excited. I continued to labor in the tub for a little while and then got out because I had two Etsy orders to fill and I knew I had to get them ready or else it would be days before they would go out. So between contractions I was on Paypal, printing my shipping labels and prepping my three Etsy shops with my message that my shop would be closed for a bit.
At some point I got back in the tub and the contractions got more intense and closer together. I got in the shower and had a little freak out because in my head I thought I might be going through transition…boy was I wrong! I frantically told David to get our monitrice here and to call Dr. Hubka. I was convinced that I was six or seven centimeters dilated. When Emily, the night shift monitrice arrived at our apartment some time in the middle of the night, she checked me and I was only 2-3 cm dilated. Earlier that day at my doctors appointment I was 2-3 cm so there was no progress. So I reassessed and regrouped and refueled with some food and water and just went with it for the next several hours, breathing through the contractions that were coming every four to five minutes. They hurt pretty bad, but I was staying very focused, drawing from my 20 years as a distance runner, which is all about ignoring pain. I was also thinking a lot about Ina Mae and envisioning my cervix opening like a flower, and accepting each contraction as progress helping me get to the finish line, telling myself that each one would bring me closer to meeting our girl. Every time a contraction would start, I would say, “OK” and David would start the timer on his iPhone to time them. When it would end, I would say, “OK” and he’d let me know how long it was. This went on for a very, very long time.
At around 6am on Wednesday Tanya, our other monitrice came to replace Emily. Tanya is the owner of
The Center for Birthing Transformations where she teaches childbirth and hypnosis classes and also does energy work. She was able to talk me through each contraction using her wonderfully hypnotic voice. She was one of my rocks, along with Emily, my husband David and Dr. Hubka. I labored all day and all night on Wednesday, with my contractions steadily coming every four to five minutes. I was able to talk between the contractions and we listened to my labor playlist and drank Gatorade and ate peanut butter and toast and apples to stay fueled up. At one point a Laura Marling song came on and in one of the lines she sings, “I need shine, I need shine, I need Shine.” Which made me weep and weep because I needed my Shine to come so the pain could stop and we could meet our beautiful daughter. A few other songs that brought me to tears were Wonder by Colin Meloy “And it was only me and you, who made this three come out of two…” and of course Devondra Bernhardt’s Long Hair Child, “When my baby slips out my mama's womb. We're gonna enter a new life, enter a new life, that's for sure. You're gonna enter your self back through your baby's front door”
At some point on Tuesday evening, after going back and forth between the bathtub, showering and laboring in our dinning room, Tanya checked me and I was still not progressing which was very disheartening. At that point I had not slept in a day and a half, so Tanya told me to try to get some rest, and she went home to recharge as well. I went to bed, but with the contractions coming every four to five minutes, I was unable to sleep, and just lost consciousness for about a minute between each contraction and had these strange hallucinations about weird animals. I think I rested like that for an hour and a half or so, and was up again going through the cycle of eating, drinking tons of water and Gatorade, and breathing through the pain. At some point Tuesday night Emily came back, and a lot of that time was sort of a blur for me. The contractions were more intense and getting closer together, three to four minutes apart, and at that point I started hanging from David’s shoulders, putting my leg up on the couch because I continued having lower back/rectal pain during the contractions. When I started hanging from David, it made me feel stronger and like I was truly going to get through this with my strong man helping me. I was breathing, moaning, making circles with my hands, nodding my head and making fluid motions to help get me through the intense pain. Emily was doing this amazing back rub/energy work, which felt so good.
At some point around 2 am on Thursday morning, after laboring for about 28 hours with no sleep, Emily checked me again and I was 5 to 6 cm and I decided I was ready to finally go to the hospital. This got me really excited and made me feel better, like we were finally making progress and that I was not going to be laboring forever! We gathered our things between contractions, said goodbye to little Woody Guthrie our dog, and headed out. I had a contraction in the elevator on the way down to parking garage, and a few contractions laying in the back seat of our car, as we sailed past the Chicago skyline down the Kennedy Expressway at 3 in the morning.
When we got to the hospital it was a bit of a buzz kill. We walked into the labor and delivery unit where the desk full of nurses and employees literally just stared at us without saying a word, such as, “hello” or, “may I help you?” and I thought, oh great, we’re at the hospital. I had to answer questions that were all included in my pre-registration info, between intense contractions, and then they told us that they had to clean our room (even though we called ahead and told them we were coming.) So we were just waiting in the hallway until they finished. We finally got in, and I looked at the tub, which I was hoping to labor in, and it was absolutely disgusting with orange residue and cleaning powder all over it. I was so upset because I was counting on laboring in the water, but knew I could not get into that nastiness. We asked them if they could at least finish cleaning the tub, and I guess they did but it was still so gross I never ended up going in. At some point the nurse came in and I wore the fetal heart rate monitor for 20 minutes, but then they allowed me to take it off (which was part of my birth plan) and only monitored me once an hour. I felt that they really honored everything I had included in my birth plan which was great. I was also very happy that I was able to drink and eat while in the hospital, although I was sort of sneaking it, but it turns out my nurse wasn’t saying anything when she saw me drinking which made me happy. A resident came in to ask me a few questions and I agreed to it, and he sat down and said, “What can we do for you today?” I was baffled, because he was dead serious, and I said, “Um, get my baby out of me.” He proceeded to ask me the date of my last period (seriously!?!? I assure you I’m about to have a baby!) and other ridiculous questions. I guess when you are at that stage in labor, any question someone asks you seems a bit ridiculous.
At some point my mom, dad and two brothers arrived! They came into my room for a quick visit and I felt so emotional hugging my mom and looking into her eyes. At that moment everything changed for me in terms of my relationship with my mom. I thought of her, and how she had done this four times, and how hard it must have been for her to watch her baby girl going through this pain, the pain she knew so well.
My contractions continued to get extremely intense and closer together. I was on the birthing ball, on the bed, squatting and walking around, doing anything to get through the pain. At one point between contractions I was lying on the bed, and suddenly I screamed and felt a gush. My water broke! That excited me so much because I knew I was getting closer to meeting my baby girl. They cleaned my bed up and I think shortly after that things got crazy. Contractions were one on top of the other, and at some point then Dr. Hubka, the most amazing doctor in the world came in, and I was so happy to see her. This woman, like Tanya, has incredible energy and brought a sense of calm over me. I knew I was in good hands. The contractions were extremely intense, and at some point I stated/asked, “Transition?” and I think everyone laughed and said yes which relieved me because I knew that was as bad as the contractions would get. I do remember that was the only point during my entire labor that I started to doubt myself. I think I cried and told David I wasn’t sure if I could do it…a telltale sign of transition. He assured me I could.
Again, I had no sense of time and I am not sure how long I was in transition for, but at some point I said, “Urge to PUSH” and my sweet and calm doctor said ok go ahead and the pushing began. This was the worst part for me. I was exhausted having not slept since Monday night and it was Thursday morning. My doctor had me get into this crazy yoga position. I was essentially on my back doing lotus, pulling my feet into my chest. I have no idea how long I was pushing for. Afterwards when we talked to my doctor, she said she wasn’t sure either but thought it was about an hour and a half. At one point I got up and was pushing on a birthing stool when my doctor realized I needed to empty my bladder. I couldn’t make it to the bathroom, so she told me to just go on the floor while on the stool which I was unable to do. One of the most painful parts of the birth was when my baby was crowning, and my doctor, who was using oils to help prevent tearing, was opening me up, swiping her fingers all around the baby’s head. Ring of fire. I was screaming at this point because it hurt so bad, but I was so focused, and I had David on my right, Tanya our monitrice on my left, and doctor Hubka ready to receive. I was in good hands. Six of them.
At one point someone came into our room because another one of Dr. Hubka’s patients was in labor with twins, and there was some sort of emergency, and I was in the middle of pushing my baby out and they were trying to get her over there and she was so incredibly calm and cool and collected. It was super frustrating and invasive and annoying, but she didn’t waiver and stayed focused on me, and kept telling me to look into her eyes and focus. I just wanted to meet my baby and for it all to be over, and they kept telling me, “Her head is almost out, one more push and it’s out!” Once her head did come out, I think I gave one or two more pushes, and that was it, our girl, our girl was finally here. Shine Elise Hartney. Our dream come true. Our beautiful baby girl. She was born at 8:43 am on March 24th, 2011. Much to our shock she weighed 9lbs 8oz and was 21 inches! She was perfect. We delayed cutting the cord and she was on my chest immediately for a good hour or two I think. My parents came in and it was such a joy to introduce them to their first grandchild. I cry now just thinking about those first few hours together. David and I were exhausted from being up for literally days without a second of sleep. We were so in awe of what just happened, meeting our daughter and falling so deeply in love in a split second after she came out.
I had a second degree tear, so the doctor stitched me up and I delivered the placenta, which was later dropped on the floor by a clumsy nurse. (splat) After I was stitched, the most painful part of the entire experience came. The nurse massaged my belly to get my uterus to contract, and it was the most painful thing in the world which no one talks about! Perhaps because we are so focused on the pain that is associated with contractions that this part is skipped over. I remember being angry at her because I felt she was being too rough with me, and angry at the nurses cleaning me up after the stitches because they too were so incredibly rough, as they were wiping me with a towel, it was awful. Once that was over, my monitirice was there to show me how to breastfeed and how to get a proper latch. Without her, I’m not sure that would have gone as smoothly as it did. I’ve been breastfeeding exclusively since and it is such a beautiful thing to experience after the first few days of pain passed. I had a blocked Montgomery Gland at one point which made it extra painful, but I figured I went through almost 35 hours of labor, I could handle anything now.
One of the main reasons for writing and posting my birth story is to talk a little bit about what happened with me after the birth with hopes that it might help other pregnant women who have a similar history as I do. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after I was attacked at gunpoint a few years ago, and months later was mugged by another degenerate human being. I also have suffered from depression, so I knew going into this that I was at high risk for post partum depression and I’m still not in the clear since it can take weeks to months to appear. One thing I did not know and did not prepare for was that women with a history of PTSD can have a relapse after giving birth, especially if the labor is long and difficult like mine was. In the days after I gave birth I was having horrible nightmares again, just like the nightmares I had after my attack. The nightmares involved a man coming after me most of the time, similar to my attack. I was never safe in the dreams and sometimes the dreams were of car wrecks or plane crashes, but mostly I was in harms way and a man was coming after me. I couldn’t sleep, even though I was completely exhausted from breastfeeding every 2 hours. I was scared to go to sleep because the nightmares were so awful. I emailed my monitrice and told her what was happening and she was the one who told me that women with a history of PTSD can have a relapse after childbirth. During my post natal visit with her, she gave me a real wakeup call which I needed, and said I needed to sleep and I could not put it off because doing so increased my chances of post partum depression even more. I was sort of avoiding naps during the day because I was just too scared to sleep.
My monitrice does energy work, and I had a session with her the next day which really calmed me down, and sure enough my nightmares subsided and I was able to sleep again. I also talked endlessly about my feelings and what I was experiencing with the people around me, and was not in denial about what was going on which also really helped. My hope is that if anyone reading this has ever been diagnosed with PTSD, know going into your labor that you can have a relapse, and that there are things you can do to help prevent this. Having a plan of action if things start to feel out of control during childbirth, getting therapy to work through your PTSD (which I had done for several years) and having help and utilizing it 100% to help get the rest you need. I thought going in that I did not want anyone staying with us after the birth to help because I tend to be the type of person that likes to be alone and having houseguests can be stressful to me…boy was I wrong! That first night at home my husband insisted on my mom coming, and it was the best decision ever! I don’t know what I would have done without my mom’s support! I was not prepared for how painful recovering from the tear would be. It made walking, getting up, lying on my back, laughing, coughing, pretty much everything was very painful.
Since giving birth, in addition to taking care of my sweet, precious baby girl, I’ve been diligent about taking care of myself, because if I’m not healthy, I cannot be the best mother I can be. I have had massages, two energy work sessions, acupuncture, I got my hair done FINALLY after not dying it the entire pregnancy (good by gray hairs) and for a while I took Epsom salt and lavender oil baths almost daily. I also try to put on makeup (this makes me feel SO much better) and wear clothes that make me feel good now that I have my old wardrobe back. Most important of all, I have had a great deal of help from my family. My mom has spent many nights with us, staying up with Shine so I can get a little rest. My brother and his girlfriend have spent a few nights as well, as well as my mother-in-law and my soul sister-in-law from California. I feel very lucky that I have been able to receive all of this help and to be able to afford such luxuries as massages and acupuncture. I think the most important element in all of this has been the intense support from the love of my life, my soul mate David. From the first contraction to this very moment, that man has taken care of me with the most gentle, patient and raw love. I am so lucky to have him in my life, to raise a family with him, just to be able to spend my days near him is a gift. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world to start this new chapter in my life. So here we are now, eight weeks after our Shine was born, living life as a new family, and loving each other. Life is good.
Here is our new little family with eight day old Shine.
